Reflections of February

March 2nd 2013

Sunday

Sunny

When asked to do a reflection or soul searching, what do you have in mind?

Well, its always when you do something wrong will you get this question. But to me, whether you've done anything wrong or not, we still need to do reflection or whatever you call it.

Why? you'd ask. And in my opinion, its to build a better self and also to think on your own actions whether good or bad, and whether you'd regret.

I've been uptight and been in anxiety recently, yet I'm absent minded in lots of things as well. I don't know if it's a age problem or because of all the insecurities I'm experiencing in all aspects, whether work, interpersonal relations, family and my goals.

There's just been too many things I'm trying to think and want to achieve but it all seems so far away. So I figured I need some sorting of my own to get myself back on track again. 

The overseas trip with my friends probably wasn't the best I thought it would be, it turned to be a disaster. I was practically feeling angst and annoyed the whole trip, totally not enjoyable.

Well, that's past and I'm gonna forget all about it.

After the trip and back to work, I should have been more psyched up and perk at work but apparently I wasn't in good condition I thought I was in. It was so busy that 2 weeks that I thought it was good for me to get the load of the bad trip over me.

It totally just got me into trouble instead, now I have a glitch at work and I've been feeling unhappy at work for so many reasons for quite sometime already.

Work was practically thinning out my soul every single day. The relationship between the departments are getting bad and I could see that there are distrusts and unhappiness between certain people. I can see, feel and it's all getting to me. I wasn't directly involved but I feel guilty and also responsible somehow. I know I can't really do anything to improve but it makes me really gloomy when working. I really hate political working environments and especially bad interpersonal relationships in the office.

I mean, who doesn't? Sure, it don't directly puts you into the war but when it comes to asking for help and some other stuffs, it just won't work and eventually it puts you down and makes the office atmosphere feel really bad.

Enough about work, and recently there's just work and nothing else. I haven't been reading, watching any movies, dramas, tv shows or even anime. I haven't been into the latest trends and any new music. Until today, I feel like I've missed out a lot of things in life. Especially after looking through my tumblr on updates, I feel like I've never really enjoyed my life well enough. I think I need to travel alone and also to break out of my comfort zone. Am I really getting old, I wonder. I have never really thought of breaking out my comfort zone much and this is the first I ever thought to do it and seriously.

Maybe these changes will be good since I've always been a gloomy person. I need to get back to my hobbies and also to make new habits instead of being cosy in my bed and sitting all day long in front of the computer.

This year should be a breaking point and for good reasons for the years to come. I've been thinking of resigning this job since last year, maybe its also high time to leave for a better one. I'll give myself sometime till May to really make a decision on that. My friend, I can't help her to become a better person if she's not going change so I'm just gonna leave that as it is and just accept who she is though I'm not sure how long I can bear with her stupidity and immature. My lifestyle is something much complicated to break the habits but I must do it, so I'm gonna draw up a plan and stick with it.

Was a little upset this afternoon as my mom came back from her visit to the temple said she was gonna cook but ended up chatting with the distant relatives that came. I was really hungry waiting for her til I couldn't take it and ate cereal instead. It made me even more hungry but I made myself not to think about it more since its not really her fault.

I want a better job, more work doesn't matter as long as I can cope with a good environment and good colleagues. I want to travel to many other countries and to travel alone. I want to go for a degree and I also want to get healthier.